I have a confession to make.
In my last post, I wrote up a list of every Brad Pitt movie I watched in 2020. In the introduction, I described a night last August where I put on Once Upon a Time in Hollywood “with the intention of zoning the hell out, but instead I ended up falling the hell in love. With Brad. Oh, Brad.” What I failed to admit (or, what I purposely left out) was that I specifically chose Once Upon A Time in Hollywood because I wanted to ogle Leonardo DiCaprio. Leonardo. Oh, Leo.
On July 31 of 2020, I woke up sad. Not pandemic sad; boy sad. See, boys are dumb. Well, no, they’re kinda great — I just wish they’d stop acting dumb. My point is, I woke up on a Saturday morning feeling annoyed with a boy, and since I had the whole weekend to do nothing but feel lonely and disappointed (not to mention appropriately terrified of the world), I did what plenty of self-respecting people with no other options do: I got stoned and watched Titanic.
When was the last time you watched Titanic? The screenplay is whatever and the acting is whatever, and yet somehow the movie is way, way better than whatever. Plus, there’s baby Leo. When I was 10, all the girls at school wanted baby Leo. All of them. Except me. I wanted Adam Sandler. I still want Adam Sandler — I just don’t mind the look of baby Leo.
Seriously though, Leo, what’s going on with you? I wanna know what you’ve actually done for the environment. I wanna know why you only work with male directors. I wanna know why you’ve exclusively dated much younger women since you were my age. Is it because you’re sad you no longer look like Jack Dawson? Is it weird knowing you’re still a hit with the ladies because you once looked like Jack Dawson?
After watching Titanic, I fell down a Leo rabbit hole that later beget a Brad Pitt rabbit hole, and ever since then I’ve just been…trading holes. WOW. Ok, I’m sure there’s a better way to say that, but screw it — let’s dive in.
Here’s a list of all the Leo movies I’ve watched since he helped cure my stupid-boy blues.
(Mom totally knows I smoke, by the way. So. Don’t bother tattling if that’s what you’re intending to do.)
Titanic
Young Rose Dewitt Bukater boards a British passenger liner sailing from Southampton to New York City. While on board, she meets a manic-pixie-dream-boy named Jack whose whole existence revolves around making Rose feel fantastic. One night, after Jack and Rose enjoy hours of nude fun, the ship…never mind. Just watch it.
Also, there are scenes in this movie that will always turn me on. I guess whatever excites ya when you’re 10 becomes etched in your bad brain for life.
Finally, in the name of healing my inner child, I’d like to offer an emphatic YOU SUCK to everyone who made fat jokes about Kate Winslet in the late 90s. To me, she was perfection incarnate, and if perfection incarnate wasn’t good enough, what did that mean for me? Do not fat shame anyone for any reason, and especially do not fat shame anyone in front of impressionable children.
The Aviator
This was a great one to watch in 2020. It opens with baby Howard Hughes spelling out “Q-U-A-R-A-N-T-I-N-E” and years later he ends up freaked out and naked in a small room pissing in bottles and talking to himself. Am I lookin’ in the mirror or what?
Once Upon A Time…In Hollywood
Months before Charles Manson instructed his cult of freaky teens to murder everyone inside Terry Melcher’s old house, Rick Dalton shoots a pilot and Cliff Booth fixes an antenna. Rick also goes to Italy to film several spaghetti westerns. I will not spoil the ending because I think even people who hate this movie chuckled at the ending. Leo was robbed of the Best Actor Oscar because the Academy fell for a movie about a “crazy” person who goes “crazy.”
Revolutionary Road
Kate and Leo! Together again! Except this time…ew. There are way better period pieces about young white married people who become disillusioned with their quiet suburban lives. Start with Mad Men and then keep watching Mad Men until everything reminds you of something that happens on Mad Men.
Catch Me If You Can
The son of a two-bit conman grows up to be a frightfully successful conman. Like, he pretends he’s a pilot. Insane.
I was 15 when Catch Me If You Can was released, and I could not believe that Leo was in it because I was convinced he had retired. Titanic fever was long over and no one at my high school was singing “My Heart Will Go On” at talent shows. To me, the dude was done. In reality, he made a handful of movies after Titanic, but none of them meant anything to my 15-year-old self. Besides, it had been five whole years since he was the King of the World, and for a teenager, five years is a lifetime.
Perhaps the one thing we can all agree on after 2020 is that time moves in mysterious ways. For adults, time seems to speed up the older we get, but last year, when there was nothing to do but sit around and watch COVID cases climb, time slowed down again.
For me, May 2020 was the first month that lasted forever. May was 31 days of wondering if anyone was ever gonna tell us the truth. May was when I began to see that politicians on every level were gonna make the pandemic so much worse in so many ways. For a split-second Eric Garcetti, the Mayor of Los Angeles, planned to lift Safer At Home orders on May 15. Why May 15? Because he submerged his hand in coconut oil, reached deep inside his asshole, and pulled out that date. It’s true. At the time there was zero indication the pandemic would be even slightly under control by mid-May; politicians just say things to appease bitchy rich guys. The kicker was when Garcetti ultimately walked back on the plans to reopen because he wanted to see “two consecutive weeks of declining COVID deaths and hospitalizations before relaxing things.” What’s that word? “Duh”?
Gangs of New York
If this movie were a Canadian new wave & synth-pop band, it would not be called “Men Without Hats.”
Leo and Cam’ron Diaz have funny Irish accents and Daniel Day Lewis HAAAAAAS A KNIIIIIIIIFE. This movie also contains one of those awkward Scorsese moments where the lead character says something racist to a Black person to remind the audience that our oppressed hero (be he Irish or Italian or a forgotten Vietnam vet) is still an oppressor. This idea in itself is worth exploring, but one egregious use of a racial slur is hardly a commentary on power structures.
By the way, this is what my calendar says for Monday August 24, 2020:
• Pull Reversed Hierophant for the 3rd time
• Zoom meeting at 12
• Soap arrives
• WORKOUT
• DISHES
• Watch “Gangs of New York”
The hand-scrawled capital letters in WORKOUT and DISHES indicate I was happy with myself. We can call this vibe, “Dismal, but thriving.”
Django Unchained
Speaking of “power structures,” wow. This was only my second time watching Django since its release in 2012, and the experience made me thoroughly uncomfortable. I’m not reaching for woke points here — I’m telling the truth.
Ya know what else is the truth? White people — including, if not particularly white liberals — cannot handle the idea that their *opinions* on race don’t mean anything. By “cannot handle,” I mean they truly cannot manage to understand this very factual fact. “I don’t hate Black people! I just don’t think it’s a big deal if white people use racial slurs when they’re joking!” The idea that this opinion is 100% Grade A irrelevant causes massive short-circuiting. You’re part of the problem, dude. Now what?
All that being said…Leo’s great in this movie. Terrifying. Hilarious. Swishy. Plus, he gave us *that* meme.
The Departed
This will surprise very few of you, but man I wanna be Jack Nicholson. So bad.
Also, remember that trend of remaking classic movies with all-female casts? An all-female Departed would never work. This movie is about the myriad failings of masculinity; you boys keep this up and you’ll all end up friendless and dead.
I watched this movie every day, twice a day, from February 27 to March 1. The experience left me craving bologna and cheese.
Blood Diamond
Three sexy people party it up in Sierra Leone. Sorta. Leo’s South African accent coulda been way worse. There’s also this scene.
Shutter Island
Deep in a state of psychosis, a mathematician hallucinates he’s best friends with Paul Bettany. Just kidding. Kinda. I watched this movie the same day I watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and rounded it all out with Eve’s Bayou. A spooky day indeed.
The Man In The Iron Mask
Can we get a “Yes, GAWD”?
I watched this on a Friday night and what I mostly remember about the experience is trying to re-create movie theater popcorn at home. One recipe I found online swore that the secret to crispy, yellow popcorn was clarified butter, so I attempted to make my own. I also ground up salt to make sure it was powdery enough to stick to the popcorn. Taste-wise, the extra time and effort didn’t make much of a difference, but it gave me something to do while watching Gerard Depardieu act horny and flatulent.
The Revenant, Marvin’s Room, and Romeo + Juliet
According to IMDb, The Revenant is about, “A frontiersman on a fur trading expedition in the 1820s” who “fights for survival after being mauled by a bear and left for dead by members of his own hunting team.” Sounds about right. I watched this tale of survival and betrayal after spending the previous day watching an army of insurrectionists storm the US Capitol. After The Revenant I watched Marvin’s Room and after Marvin’s Room I watched Romeo + Juliet. I didn’t speak to anyone — not even to myself. Around 7pm I finally conjured the strength to Postmate a Chipotle burrito bowl. They forgot my chips.
Don’s Plum
This flaming pile of garbage is about a group of suuuuuuuuper cooooool kids who all meet up one night at a diner in LA. I was tempted from start to finish to turn this BS off, but I stuck with it since Tobey Maguire and Leo really, really don’t want people to know this movie exists. Why do I wish to upset the object of my idolatry? I think it’s funny. Here.
The Wolf of Wall Street and The Great Gatsby
I spent the afternoon and evening of Sunday, January 10 watching both of these movies, and they both left me questioning America’s obsession with wealth and power. I mean, these movies are kinda the same movie. They’re completely different, but also…exactly the same. Watch ‘em back to back and you’ll understand. Also, while I’m not a fan of The Great Gatsby movie, I don’t quite get why that movie was met with a whole lot of “Meh” and The Wolf of Wall Street was met with applause and accolades. Baz Luhrmann’s dumb movie was one dumb movie that looked breathtaking; Mahty’s dumb movie was six dumb movies that left me humming the Entourage theme song.
There is one scene from The Wolf of Wall Street that stuck with me, and that is the scene where Leo is tied up on the floor with a lit candle up his ass. A dominatrix plucks the candle from between his cheeks, sits on his back, and proceeds to drip hot candle wax all over him. He yells his safe word, but she ignores it. “You’re a fuckin’ dirty little birdie!” he shrieks.
Generally, I have no words. What can one even start to say here? I do sort of wonder if Mahty simply wanted to put Leo in this, eh, position. It seems like heterosexual dude friendships often involve a fair amount of nudity and humiliation, ya know? More importantly, the night after I watched this I had a dream that I went to stay with Leo for a weekend at his house, which very much resembled the Capitol. While fooling around one afternoon, he begged me to insert a tube of FENTY “Full Frontal” volumizing mascara into his rectum. I did so, and then afterward while he dressed himself for a meeting with Nancy Pelosi, he told me he was beginning to feel attached to me. This dream imbued me with a feeling of tremendous power for about 24 hours — the high point being the announcement of Trump’s second impeachment. Now who’s the fuckin’ dirty little birdie?
J Edgar
Welp, I said the same thing about The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: this is a horror movie. Filmmakers, stop letting age makeup do the heavy lifting. There’s nothing weirder than watching an actor covered in age makeup do a really poor job of acting aged. Armie Hammer succeeds at being convincingly in love with Leo’s J. Edgar Hoover, but since he’s a creep it just feels like a waste. Oh, and we don’t get to see Leo in drag, but there is a hilarious moment where he holds a matronly dress in front of him in the mirror and cries. Sure, Clint Eastwood. Sure.
Inception
From Wikipedia: “Dominick ‘Dom’ Cobb and Arthur are ‘extractors’; they perform corporate espionage using experimental military technology to infiltrate their targets' subconscious and extract information through a shared dream world. Their latest target, Saito, reveals he arranged their mission to test Cobb for a seemingly impossible job: implanting an idea in a person's subconscious, or ‘inception.’ Saito wants Cobb to convince Robert, the son of Saito's competitor Maurice Fischer, to dissolve his father's company. Saito promises to clear Cobb's criminal status, which prevents him from returning home to his children.”
I never finished watching this movie because I refuse to finish watching this movie. You’re telling me that in order for one man to convince another man to do something, he requires “military technology” and “implanting an idea in a person’s subconscious”? Christopher Nolan. Baby. Have you ever actually known a woman?
The Quick And The Dead
Whoo-hoo, this is a helluva lot of fun. Sharon Stone is a whiskey-swilling gun-toting cowgirl who rolls into the town of Redemption where she joins a dueling competition to avenge her father’s death. Leo can be spotted flirting with ladies…and failing to flirt with Sharon Stone. Oh, it’s so fun.
The Basketball Diaries
Say “no” to drugs, kids. Or, at least say “yes” to drugs and then “no” to drugs” and then “yes” to poetry. Also, if you’re a fan of the classic Jim Carroll Band bop “People Who Died,” you’ll get the inside scoop on poor Bobby (who “had leukemia, 14 years old / he looked like 55 when he died / he was a friend a mine / THOSE ARE PEOPLE WHO DIED, DIED”).
And yeah, ok, I couldn’t find this streaming anywhere so I bought an external DVD player so I could watch the DVD of The Basketball Diaries I purchased on eBay. So what?
Total Eclipse
This movie is about the strained, sexual relationship between 19th century French poets Arthur Rimbaud and Paul Verlaine. Basically, good dick will imprison you, especially if you shoot your lover and end up in jail for both grievous bodily harm and sodomy. I remember wondering at the time if I was watching one of the most thematically misogynistic movies I’d ever seen, although now I have no idea why. Do I rewatch or simply let it go? Hm.
Throughout this post and my last post, I make several references to “my calendar.” I say things like, “according to my calendar, I watched this movie and...” so on and so on. No, I don’t mark my calendar in advance to plan out Brad and Leo days — I fill out the calendar squares at the end of each day to keep a record of my life in lockdown. There are some real gems. Here’s September 16, 2020:
1pm Zoom
Clear some crystals
Imperfect delivery
Wash mint
Start “The Wedding Planner” and give up.
Finish reading “Story of the Eye”
Dream about [an ex]
While I was going through my calendars gathering info for these posts, I noticed I haven’t watched any Brad and Leo movies since February when I started binging Girlfriends. Perhaps at that point I’d had enough of these white guys and needed to spend some time with some imaginary girlfriends instead. That makes sense. In fact, that’s good. I then received my first vaccination on March 31, and while my life didn’t instantly change from total solitude to total hedonism, my world definitely opened up a bit (thanks GOD).
Oh, Leo. Oh, Brad. I ain’t sayin’ we’ve reached the end of the road. I ain’t even sayin’ I don’t love you anymore. I’m just saying that our time together has probably, perhaps, peaked. I still need to watch Ad Astra and Critters 3, and while I totally plan to get around to those eventually, I’ve also really, really enjoyed making time for actual human-beings whom I can see in real life. You understand, yeah? And hey, let’s not get too ahead of ourselves — we don’t know what’ll happen in a few months. Summer will end and the weather will cool down and Ms. Delta V will maybe send us all indoors again. I’ll give you a shout if that happens. I promise. Until then, my loves, don’t be too sad without me; we’ll always have the pandemic.