Let’s talk about coping mechanisms.
If you read my first post from a few weeks ago, you may remember my brief description of my struggle to make sourdough. I harbor zero ill-will toward anyone who mastered the secret of the perfect starter, but in the early days of shelter in place it was surreal to see Instagram become a digital museum of bubbling jars and airy loaves. Of course, for as repetitive (and competitive) as the DIY content became, it’s unfair to look back on that time and talk too much smack on the Bon Appétit focaccia; we were all just freaked out and coping.
Last August — much like this August — was a rough time to be alive. We were constantly grieving and constantly angry. There were heatwaves and blackouts and fires and a rather terrifying election was tip-toeing nearer and nearer. The air inside my guest house was sticky and still. It was too hot to bake bread, but I really needed some kind of diversion. One night I put on Once Upon a Time in Hollywood with the intention of zoning the hell out, but instead I ended up falling the hell in love. With Brad. Oh, Brad.
Brad, you exceptional-looking everyman. How do you have such naturally pink lips? How are you aging so gracefully despite the smoking and the secret alcoholism? Were you actually born with abs, or did they not show up until kindergarten? And when you get intimately close with a person, do you ever ask them to call you William?
I wasn’t born yesterday. I’ve been aware of Brad Pitt’s attractiveness since the first time I heard him mentioned in an episode of Step by Step. Don’t forget, however, that I’m talking about coping mechanisms, and when it became imperative for me to find one, I finally found Brad.
Between August and November of 2020, I watched 27 Brad Pitt movies. 27. Which ones, you ask? I’ll tell you.
Once Upon A Time in Hollywood
Months before Charles Manson instructed his cult of freaky teens to murder everyone inside Terry Melcher’s old house, Rick Dalton shoots a pilot and Cliff Booth fixes an antenna. Rick also goes to Italy to film several spaghetti westerns. I will not spoil the ending because I think even people who hate this movie chuckled at the ending. Brad won as Oscar for being charming and funny and Braaaaaad.
Interview With The Vampire
For some reason, Christian Slater invites a vampire to his house and…interviews him. The vampire talks about his glory days of being a plantation owner in New Orleans with Tom Cruise. At one point they become beautiful parents to baby Kirsten Dunst. Brad didn’t quite know how to act when he made his movie but dear God the camera loves him.
I watched this on a Friday night in the dead of Goddamn August and then decided to bake carrot muffins. Bake. There was no AC in my guest house and yet I turned my oven on and BAKED.
Meet Joe Black
A hot — but cloying — dude gets hit by two cars while crossing the street and then returns as the Grim Reaper. He shows up to take Anthony Hopkins to the next world but fiiiirst sticks around just to kick it on earth and bang Anthony Hopkins’ daughter. This movie is longer than Titanic and Brad still didn’t quite know how to act when he made it.
I watched this movie — the first time — over the course of three days. During those three days I also worked on HBO’s Soul of America and psyched myself up for the Democratic National Convention.
A River Runs Through It
A responsible brother and a chaotic brother enjoy writing and fly-fishing in Missoula, Montana. Gotta wonder what it was like for Robert Redford to direct his young, virile lookalike.
I started watching this at 4am after working all day and all night on a show I’ve still never heard anyone discuss. Around midnight I took a break to take a walk and it was still hot outside. I thought, “Fire season is gonna be rough.” I did not yet know that a siege of dry lightning had struck Northern California the night before.
Cool World
This movie explores the deeply heartbreaking fact that humans can’t have sex with cartoons. Also, I’m aware that what I’m about to say is terrible, but I spent the whole movie kinda hoping I’d get to see Brad have sex with a cartoon.
I watched this after night four of the Democratic National Convention. Joe Biden spoke that night. He did not screw up.
12 Monkeys
Welp, this movie is about a virus that wipes out most of humanity. There is also time travel and Bruce Willis. Brad does really good acting and you see his bum.
I’ll be honest here and say I have no idea what else happens in this movie because Santa Cruz was on fire the week I watched it and my trauma response was to just stop thinking. Coping. Coping. I was coping.
Fight Club
A lonely computer hacker who speaks in a monotone starts working with the leader of a secret group of hackers called fsociety. Also, Tyler Durden kinda bores me. Doesn’t mean he’s not iconic af, though.
I watched this on a Wednesday night after a really tough conversation with my mom. I called her in a state of distress, and by the end of the call we were both crying about how scary and sad and toxic everything was. Two days later she came to visit me and we ate burritos from Tito’s and the whole thing kinda saved my life.
Kalifornia
Juliet Lewis and Brad Pitt are…are they hitchhikers? Brad’s definitely a murderer. Juliet is like, really good in this movie. Also, you see Brad’s butt.
I watched this on Saturday, August 29, after scrubbing my floor and bathtub. According to my calendar I also smudged and lit candles. Good for you for getting ahead on the Pisces Full Moon prep, Steff.
Legends of the Fall
An inexplicably woke white family in Montana gives the government the finger for its Indian Wars fuckery. Speaking of fuckery, Brad gets it on with his late brother’s fiancé and it’s really hot and horny and then a few days later he’s like, “I must go out on my own because I’m complicated and sensitive oKAY?” There’s also a bear fight that’s even funnier than the one in The Revenant. The first time I watched this movie I was so startled by Brad’s beauty I literally shouted, “WHAT the FUCK.”
When I finished the movie I immediately put on Burn After Reading because shiiiiiiit I was coping hard.
Burn After Reading
Frances McDormand and Brad Pitt find a recording of John Malkovich dictating his memoirs. They think they’ve uncovered a government conspiracy and, as they say, hilarity ensues. This is one of Brad’s best performances. Screw it, this is one of The Best comedic performances.
I watched this pretty late into the night while having a rather stupid dating app interaction. Watching Brad made it easier to swear off men (again).
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
This…is a horror movie. This is a HORROR movie. Also, it was weird to watch Brad bang Julia Ormond in Legends of the Fall and then see her play his daughter in this one. Once Brad finally grows up and no longer looks like an old man, there’s a shot of him looking perfect on a boat. When my mom and I watched this together years ago, we both screamed “OH, BRAD!” at that part. She even added a, “Whoo, whoo, whoo!”
Seven Years in Tibet
If the survival of the human race depended on me accurately describing the plot of this movie with no help from the internet, I would fail us all. The only thing I remember is Brad’s Austrian accent (which reminded me of Marlon Brando as the German ski instructor in The Young Lions).
I was boiling cinnamon sticks and vibing when I watched this.
Mr. and Mrs. Smith
Listen. I didn’t grow up in a Team Aniston or a Team Jolie household. However, I do remember the general consensus being, “She’s a slut.” It was actually my 11th grade English teacher who first alerted me to the idea that the Pitt/Jolie/Aniston situation was nobody’s fuckin’ business. God bless you, Mrs. Frank.
By The Sea
Brad and Angie are having marital troubles so they take a lavish trip to a small town in the south of France (I think). They argue, drink, fool around in the bathtub, and spy on the newlyweds staying in the next room. They made this movie on their honeymoon becaaaaause that’s what happy couples do?
I watched this on a Friday night in September and then spent the rest of the weekend text banking for Biden.
Killing Them Softly
I remember three things about this movie: Ben Mendelsohn shooting heroin to “Heroin” by The Velvet Underground; James Gandolfini walking in slow motion to Nico singing “Wrap Your Troubles in Dreams”; Brad delivering a brief, poignant monologue at the very end.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg died the day after I watched this. Not saying I killed her. Just. Ugh. Just saying a lot was going on.
The Mexican
I really didn’t think this was that bad but I hardly remember a thing. Like I said, RBG died and then I spent the next morning doubled over in pain and puking my guts out. It wasn’t Covid related — it was just my period. Once I felt well enough to stand up I drank Gatorade and ate tortilla chips and watched this.
Dark Side of the Sun
Oh my GOD. Young Brad plays a guy who’s allergic to the sun and has to wear full-on head-to-toe bondage gear to stay safe. After meeting a pretty girl he decides to forego the suit and risk it all to live life, well, in the sun. I put this on right after I finished The Mexican, and I gotta say, if you’re lookin’ for something memorable, go with this.
Ocean’s 11
On the morning of Sunday, September 20, I woke up with some most excellent memories of a dream involving Brad and Leo on a majestic wooden ship. The three of us were rehearsing a play together, and I had scenes with both of them individually. Leo would go off and steer the ship while Brad and I rehearsed, and the second we were alone we’d start making out. Once our scene was finished Brad would trade places with Leo, and then as soon as Leo and I were alone we’d start making out. I knew it was maybe kinda wrong of me to be sneaking around with both of them, but I also figured hey — when they learn what’s going on, they’ll just have to deal. I took this as a sign that somewhere, deep down, I still had some hope for my future. Also, Ocean’s 11 is great.
Ocean’s 12, Ocean’s 13, and Snatch
I watched Ocean’s 12, Ocean’s 13, and Snatch all in the same day. Don’t ask why I decided to OD on cute heist movies. I remember baking eggplant and thinking Brad was quite good in Snatch.
The Favor
Rather than cheat on dorky-ass Bill Pullman, a freaked out blonde lady asks her friend Lady Grantham to do her a favor and sleep with her high school boyfriend and report back. When Lady Grantham goes for it, things get weird. Also, why no one CLONED BRAD at this point in his life is beyond me. Fuck the patriarchy for preventing more women from becoming scientists.
I watched this on a Friday night in September and then spent the rest of the weekend text banking for Biden.
Seven
This is a great cop movie because it doesn’t glorify cops at all. In fact, these cops fail so hard. The last line of this movie made me put down my Milk Bar Birthday Cake Truffle. I also cancelled my subscription to Apple News after the constant bad news notifications became too much to deal with.
The Devil’s Own
By now it’s no secret that I’ve forgotten what plenty of these movies are about. On the night I watched this — Saturday, October 24 — all I could think about was the election. When I wasn’t watching Brad Pitt movies or working, I was sending texts and writing postcards and making calls for Joe Biden. Joe freakin’ Biden. SAVE US, JOE BIDEN. Dear God, Joe Biden. Why, Joe Biden? Why Joe Biden?
This movie’s about Irish people. Ah, Joe Biden.
Cutting Class
I enjoyed this solid gold horror cheese so much I showed it to a friend one night while we were Google Hanging. Toward the end of the movie I started to feel dizzy, which was really weird considering I was lying down. I got nervous that my newfound vegetarianism was making me anemic, and so when the movie ended I ordered a cheeseburger and fries from Public School. I bit into the burger and felt instantly grossed out by the idea of consuming ground up flesh. I sat on my bed and ate the fries and opened Instagram and saw The Dodgers had won the World Series. I then looked at pictures of my late grandfather and cried quite hard. It was October 27. The fear was very real.
Troy
“Guys, how about we make The Iliad: The Movie but we leave the Gods entirely out of it!” They gave Homer a co-writing credit on this one. Not even kidding.
I watched this on November 3 with the same friend who watched Cutting Class with me the previous week. The idea was to help keep each other calm and distracted so we wouldn’t just be glued to the election returns. After we finished Troy we put on Love Actually, and then the second that was over we hung up to go look at the returns. That early map, man. There was so much red on that early map.
World War Z
Another virus movie, Brad? Another virus movie?
I watched this on November 5 when things were still tense as hell. When it ended I put on CNN, and when I couldn’t stand looking at the map anymore I put on Uncut Gems. Around 2am, I got a text from a friend that said, “Georgia just turned blue.”
***
I realize that much of what was messed up about last year is also what’s messed up about this year. Plenty of us are still at home, essential workers are still underpaid, and the U.S. government is still corrupt. When you sit and think about everything we’ve been through — and everything we continue to go through — it’s really quite a wonder so many of us are still here.
Early early early on in the pandemic, I filmed myself reciting “A Supermarket in California” by Allen Ginsberg. In the poem, the speaker is wandering around a supermarket at night by himself, and to cope with the loneliness he imagines he’s with Walt Whitman. At the end of the poem, he says to Whitman, “I touch your book and dream of our odyssey in the supermarket and feel absurd.” I disagree with Allen Ginsberg on a lot of things, but truly, why feel absurd about doing what you have to do to keep it together as best you can? Go ahead and snap a selfie with your sourdough. Wear your dorky homemade tie-dye. Talk nonstop about your vegetable garden. We are all just freaked out and coping — call me if you wanna watch a Brad Pitt movie.