Diane,

I’m trying to write about an episode of Twin Peaks, but I can’t. Not right now. I’m too wired.

I just made a third cup of coffee.

I ate nothing but sugar yesterday.

I feel like I should start the next sentence with “Diane.”

Diane, I need to sit here and type until my brain no longer feels like Pop Rocks.

Diane, I’m afraid Instagram will give me dementia.

Diane, I’m afraid all my future doctors will be dumb.

Diane, I’m not afraid of Hantavirus because I’m not afraid of wearing a mask.

Diane, I don’t think it’s inherently racist when a white person dislikes Sinners, but I’ve heard some alarming takes from white people who dislike Sinners.

Diane, Marilyn Monroe was a genius.

Diane, my hemorrhoids itch.

Diane, I hate how everyone else’s body dysmorphia activates MY body dysmorphia.

Diane, I’m concerned by how much white people love The White Lotus.

Diane, the Academy of Motion Pictures was wrong about One Battle After Another.

Diane, people have gotten really bad at flirting.

Diane, consumers are willingly paying Uber Technologies, Inc to send underpaid people chasing all over hell to deliver cold, coagulated food. Why.

Diane, I would not make a good wife.

Diane, I would make a great partner.

Diane, sometimes, when I feel tempted to order delivery from Uber Technologies Inc, I imagine what my grandmother would say if I showed her my receipt.

Diane, I believe AI’s involvement in encouraging users to commit mass shootings and suicides should be enough to call the whole thing off.

Diane, I would love for average men to stop punishing me for being smart and funny and sexy.

Diane, I would make a great dominatrix.

Diane, I could run the shit out of this country tomorrow if I had to.

Diane, the bar is too low.

Diane, I find it disappointing—but not surprising—that Roger Sterling never punches Pete Campbell in the face for selling Joan’s body to Herb Rennet.

Diane, it’s too bad that Joan takes all her anger out on Don after Pete Campbell sells her body to Herb Rennet.

Diane, Joan could run the shit out of this country tomorrow if she had to. (She has to.)

i’m not done i’m not done

Diane, David Bowie was something else.

Diane, I want to talk to all the women my age who were never the same after watching Velvet Goldmine.

Diane, what’s it called when a cis woman wants to be Dr. Frank N. Furter but doesn’t identify as a “sweet transvestite from transexual Transylvania”?

Diane, men who didn’t vote for Kamala Harris solely because Kamala Harris is a woman should be ashamed of that decision.

Diane, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?

Diane, I’m so glad I finally listened to Geese.

Diane, I like to imagine that Elvis would have been hugely turned on by Kamala Harris.

Diane, let me dance away forever.

Diane, I’m happy with how my tomatoes and basil are doing.

Diane, I miss my grandparents.

Diane, the members of my immediate family are some of the funniest people I will ever have the privilege of knowing.

Diane, I love Los Angeles.

Diane, I love my new dresser.

Diane, I love being silly.

Diane, I LOVE BEING ME.

Diane, I keep forming new friendships with single, child-free women who are all really interesting and care a lot about the state of the world.

Diane, Agent Dale Cooper’s refusal to have sex with a high school girl when presented with the opportunity in season one of Twin Peaks is bare minimum adult decency.

Diane, I’ve always found Agent Dale Cooper quite hot, but now that I’m older I also find Leland Palmer quite hot. (Not for that thing, of course.)

Diane, I find it distressing when straight men go nuts over Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me. They heard about the abuse Laura Palmer suffered and thought, “I’d love to see that.” Why.

Diane, the patriarchy killed Laura Palmer.

Diane, I’m intense. I love it.

baby, let me dance away…forever

Diane, I don’t understand why journalists visiting the Oval Office don’t begin every question with, “Hey, pedo.”

Speaking of teenagers, Diane, I think Taylor Swift makes music for teenagers, and that’s fine.

Diane, “Drunk in Love” is a great song until Jay-Z’s stupid verse starts.

Diane, Jay-Z messed up.

Diane, Meghan Thee Stallion will be fine.

Diane, it should be socially acceptable to take away someone’s phone if they’re ignoring you to look at their phone.

Diane, I have to pee.

Diane, I have some work to do.

Diane, I’m going to the gym at 6pm to lift heavy weights for half an hour.

Diane, I’m sad about Twin Peaks Tuesday ending in two weeks.

Diane, the Pop Rocks are slowing down.

Diane, I need to stretch.

Diane, I need to hydrate.

Diane.

Diane.

Diane.

Diane.