Bob in Translation
"This song is very deep."
We’ve got good news and bad news.
Good news: the sexual assault allegations brought against Bob Dylan in 2021 were dropped in 2022.
Bad news: powerful men are still torturing women (and girls and boys and people in general) and getting away with it all the time. (I could list an example of a recent headline, but my goodness, how would I choose which one?)
Anyway, I thought of the Bob stuff recently when a friend of mine asked if I still listened to Bob Dylan after writing about the allegations when they first appeared in the news.
“Oh, I listen to him all the time,” I said. “Lately, it’s been almost nonstop.”
This year, I’ve watched that goddamn Timothée Chalamet movie (that I don’t even like that much) five times. I’ve also fallen in love with Bob Dylan albums I previously hadn’t heard from start to finish (Street Legal, Infidels) or had only heard just once (Self-Portrait). Of course, now that it’s summertime, and my courtyard smells of gardenias, and today is a day that ends with “y,” and these visions of Johanna are now all that remain, I’ve found my way back to Blonde on Blonde.
To the uninitiated, Bob Dylan may seem too out there, or too obvious, or too silly, or just too old. Forget about all that — listen to Blonde on Blonde right now. If you’re worried his lyrics are impossible to understand, have no fear — I’ve broken all the songs down in a handy little guide, complete with personal listening recommendations to help set the perfect mood. I’ve also rated each song on a scale of 1 to 5 cigarettes.
Let us begin.
1.) Rainy Day Women #12 & 35
This song is about the irritating fact that there are two kinds of people in this world: the haters and the rest of us. Haters are everywhere, and they all have unlimited time and energy to concern themselves with our damn business. Make art? They’ll hate. Make money? They’ll hate. Ride in our cars? They’ll hate. Play our guitars? They’ll hate. It’s an eternal bummer, but you’re not alone. Everybody has to put up with haters. Everybody.
So. Wanna get stoned?
Recommended listening: Put this on when your best friend from high school comes to visit you in your freshman dorm at UC Santa Cruz. Smoke the weed you bought from your neighbor down the hall. Make sandwiches. Put on your new DVD of The Big Lebowski — the one that comes with an introduction you’ve never seen — and agree with your similarly stoned friend that this can’t possibly be The Big Lebowski.
Rating: 🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬
2.) Pledging My Time
This song is about a man who loves to party. In fact, he’s currently attending a party. Hungover. And maybe he’s ready to commit to this girl he kinda likes. Maybe. He’s scared. And kinda high.
Recommended listening: Anytime, but it hits differently before noon.
Rating: 🚬🚬🚬1/2
3.) Visions of Johanna
This song is about a man who is ready to discuss anything. Anything.
He’ll discuss the empty lot where the ladies play blind man’s bluff with a keychain.
And don’t forget the all night girls – the ones who whisper of escapades out on the D-Train.
He’ll discuss the one with the mustache.
He’ll discuss jewels and binoculars.
He’ll discuss the Mona Lisa, the jelly-faced women, the skeleton keys, and the rain.
But he will NOT discuss the concrete details of how badly he fumbled Joan Baez.
Recommended listening: Nighttime. Pay attention. Dream about getting “Jeez, I Can’t Find My Knees” tattooed on your right hip.
Rating: 🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬+
4.) One of Us Must Know (Sooner or Later)
This song is about a fuckboy telling a woman in a disarmingly direct way, “I didn’t mean to hurt you; I’m just a fuckboy.” Part of me is impressed by the narrator’s awareness of his own limitations, but another part of me hates the way he judges the woman he’s addressing for having an emotional response. “You shouldn’t take it so personal,” he says. Ah, shuttup.
Did you see A Complete Unknown? Remember how insensitively Bobby treats the women who love (and financially support) him? Which sorta runs counterpoint to the profound emotion he’s able to display in his songwriting? Yeah. He’s that kinda guy.
Recommended listening: Whenever you need a song to remind you, “Forget it, Jake, he’s a fuckboy.”
Rating: 🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬
5.) I Want You
This song is about playing the harmonica in such a skillful way that it tricks the listener into thinking the lyrics are more romantic than they truly are.
Recommended listening: On a walk. At dusk. Smell a gardenia.
Rating: 🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬
6.) Stuck Inside of Mobile with the Memphis Blues Again
This song is about Bob Dylan laying absolute waste to every dude with a guitar and a pen who fancies himself a “songwriter.”
Recommended listening: The car. (Note: If you happen to be in the car with an attractive mess of a person who also knows all the words to this song, do not mistake the perfection of the moment for an indication of long-term compatibility.)
Rating: 🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬+
7.) Leopard-Skin-Pill-Box-Hat
This song is about an average guy who appreciates women's fashion. (And p**sy.)
Recommended listening: Again, the car. Sing along. Get very nasty with it when he asks, “Honey, can I jump on it sometime?”
Rating: 🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬
8.) Just Like a Woman
This song is…about five minutes long. And it’s gorgeous. Just go with it.
Recommended listening: A cold day (or night). If you must drink Captain Morgan & Diet Coke while Bobby sings about how “it’s time for us to quit,” do so at a gingerly pace.
Rating: 🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬
9.) Most Likely You Go Your Way (And I’ll Go Mine)
This song is about the proper way to handle an ex who repeatedly reappears just to mess you up. I’ve interpreted the lyrics in the form of a scene.
Interior – CHELSEA HOTEL – Night
Our NARRATOR sits at his DESK smoking a CIGARETTE and plonking on his TYPEWRITER. Dressed in head-to-toe black and weighing in at maybe 140 pounds, he is a cross between a Victorian waif and a wise crone. A LIGHTBULB shines above him, creating a kinky glow of foofyness around his foofy head.
An aggressive KNOCK at the door jolts him from his plonking. Who could that be?
He stands, makes his way across the room, and opens the door. It’s HER.
Her: “Bobby.”
Narrator: “Yeah.”
Her: “Bobby, I know you said you never want to see me again, but I couldn’t stay away. I love you. I can’t stop thinking of you.”
Narrator: “You know, you could be wrong.”
Her: “Please, Bobby, can I come in? Just let me hold you.”
Narrator: “Hold me? But I’m heavier than you.”
Her: “What?”
Narrator: “Look, babe, I just can’t do this. I’ve done it before.”
Her: “What do you mean?”
Narrator: “I’m…gonna let ya…pass.”
Her: “What?”
Our narrator abruptly turns his back on Her and returns to his typewriter. He plonks.
Narrator (whispering and plonking): “and I’ll go last…”
Her (slightly louder): “Bobby, I know I don’t deserve you, ok? I know I lied to you. I’m sorry. But I promise, I promise I’ll do better this time, ok? You…you don’t want to let me go like this. You know you don’t. You’ll regret it! You always regret it – you don’t want this to end any more than I do. Right? Bobby? Bobby, LOOK AT ME.”
Narrator (turning in his chair): “What?”
Her: “You’re not even paying attention!”
The Narrator stares at Her. His eyes are as blank as the white walls.
Narrator: “Sometimes it gets so hard to care.”
Her (slowly, in shock): “Oh. Is that how you feel? Well, I…I wasn’t going to tell you this, but I’ve been seeing someone else. He’s, he’s, he’s real successful. He works on Wall Street! He’s got money. Real money, Bobby. And he’s offered me everything – unlike you! He’s kinder than you. He’s smarter than you! (a beat, and then, softly, as if to herself) …But he doesn’t kiss like you.”
Our Narrator lights a cigarette. He is a cross between Don Draper and an elf. He smokes contemplatively. And then:
Narrator: “That’s because he’s gay.”
Her: “What?”
Narrator: “Never mind. I shouldn’t have told you that. Get out.”
She leaves. And only time will tell who’s better off.
Recommended listening: Save this one for that moment of sweet liberation when you realize you’re gonna be just fine without that shit.
Rating: 🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬
10.) Temporary Like Achilles
This song is about contemplating the difference between stone, lime, and just…solid…rock.
Recommended listening: Anywhere you can loudly and emphatically sing along to “just…solid…rock.”
Rating: 🚬🚬🚬
11.) Absolutely Sweet Marie
This song is about a legendary woman who’s giving Bobby a taste of his own medicine. He can’t find her anywhere, and it’s driving him nuts. Her name is Marie.
Recommended Listening: Put this on while you’re doing your makeup. Embody the mystery of Marie.
Rating: 🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬
12.) Fourth Time Around
This song is about a post-breakup confrontation. We don't know exactly how (or why in hell) the former couple agreed to meet, but we get to dip in and hear the play-by-play from the point of view of the man juuust as the conversation goes south. Eventually, after our doofus narrator says one too many stupid things, his ex gets so frustrated she passes out on the floor. He covers her with a blanket, steals her liquor, and takes it to his new girlfriend, who makes love to him immediately. The song ends with our doofus narrator explicitly warning his new girlfriend that he’s unreliable. (There he goes again.)
Also, there’s some ambiguity around a “forgotten” shirt. We don’t know if the narrator is at his ex’s house to retrieve a shirt he left behind, or if he is literally shirtless after engaging in regrettable breakup sex. (And if he then left to go do it with his new girlfriend…I mean, ugh.)
Recommended listening: Sit around the pool table in your parents’ garage with your baby brother whom you haven’t seen in far too long. Catch up on everything. Tell him about your most recent breakup and watch his eyes get huge. Greet your older brother with a smile when he comes in to join you, and then plot a silly itinerary for the day.
Rating: 🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬+
13.) Obviously Five Believers
This song is about Bobby calling his girlfriend to please come home. Is it Marie? Regardless, once again, we like her.
Rating: 🚬🚬🚬1/2
14.) Sad-Eyed Lady of the Lowlands
This song is about…Okay, ya got me. Sometimes, his lyrics are impossible to understand.
Recommended Listening: Sit at the kitchen table, have a cup of coffee, and enjoy the next 11 minutes and 17 seconds (two of my favorite numbers). Ask yourself what you’ve learned from Blonde on Blonde. Do you feel like falling in or out of love? Are you curious to try Railroad Gin? Do you feel like you absolutely must get stoned? Congratulations. These visions of Johanna are now all that remain.
Rating: 🚬🚬🚬1/2