An Oscars Prayer
May Ryan Coogler win Best Original Screenplay for Sinners.
May Conan O’Brien delight his Irish ancestors with a fearless “fuck you” performance.
May the broadcast—as a whole—help quell my fear for the future of the film industry—as a whole.
May commercials for gambling apps and AI platforms get the fuck outta here.
May Delroy Lindo accept a much-deserved first Oscar for his performance in Sinners.
May Timothée Chalamet get whatever it is he deserves. Preferably, this would come as a loss to Michael B. Jordan for Sinners 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻, but a win for Marty Supreme followed by 14 minutes of raucous booing from the audience would be interesting to see.
May Autumn Durald Arkapaw win Best Cinematography for Sinners.
May Wunmi Mosaku win Best Supporting Actress for Sinners.
May Francine Maisler win Best Casting for Sinners.
May Ludwig Göransson win Best Original Score for Sinners.
May Best Original Song be awarded to “I Lied to You” from Sinners.
May Michael P. Shawver win Best Film Editing for Sinners.
(Sorry, just a few more here—it was nominated in so many categories 😊.)
May Hannah Beachler and Monique Champagne win Best Production Design for Sinners.
May Ken Diaz, Mike Fontaine, and Shunika Terry win Best Makeup and Hairstyling for Sinners.
May Ruth. E Carter with Best Costume Design for Sinners.
May Chris Welcker, Benjamin A. Burtt, Felipe Pacheco, Brandon Proctor, and Steve Boeddeker win Best Sound for Sinners. (I don’t feel incredibly strongly about this, but I want F1 to be shut out completely.)
May Michael Ralla, Espen Nordahl, Guido Wolter, and Donnie Dean win Best Visual Effects for Sinners. (I don’t feel incredibly strongly about this either, but I want Avatar to be shut out completely.)
May Robert De Niro deliver an emphatic “Fuck Trump” into every microphone he can find.
May Jane Fonda deliver an emphatic “Fuck ALL of this” into every microphone she can find.
May Jack Nicholson emerge from retirement to smoke a joint with Jane Fonda and terrorize Timothée Chalamet.
May Ryan Coogler win Best Director for Sinners.
May Kate Hudson upset the upsetting apple cart by winning Best Actress for Song Sung Blue. May her face move like a human face as she delivers her acceptance speech.
May ALL the actresses rock human faces that move like human faces because dear GOD, the ubiquity of Botox and fillers is making me question the perfection of MY already PERFECT FACE. (No offense to anyone reading this who has a perfect face full of Botox and fillers.)
May Best Picture go to Sinners.
May tired ass film journalists who misuse the word “woke” refrain from referring to any and all Sinners wins as “woke.”
May any pundits who dare to invoke “political correctness” or “the race card” be laughed out of the public eye.
May the inevitable hateful comments from The Whitest House inspire red hot and VOCAL anger from actors, filmmakers, and film lovers.
May human artists everywhere feel reinvigorated to make human art.
May Jacob Elordi and Michael B. Jordan get lost on their way to a post-Oscars party and end up at my front door. May we have the greatest post-Oscars party Hollywood has never seen.
May Jacob Elordi receive a “how were the oscars ?” text from Austin Butler. May Jacob respond with my address and, “get ovah here, mate.”